Puzzles, Potato Chips, Woodland Creatures and the Zombie-Apocalypse Food Shelter (Part 1 & 2)

Wow. That title’s a mouthful. This post is now a re-edit of a partial post I started yesterday.

Part One: Yesterday: 12:20pm…

It’s cold. I’m unmotivated. I’m on my last cup of coffee. I should go for a run. There’s half a bottle of white wine with my name on it in the fridge and its after 12:00pm….

Sigh…

I stayed up a tad too late last night working on a puzzle with too many pieces. I bought the puzzle because I like the picture, kind of how I sometimes buy books because I like the cover. Content bedamned.

This is the puzzle. Its cute. Kind of a ‘Woodland-Creatures-Gone-Bad’ theme.

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

It appears I have a bit of a ‘thing’ for Woodland Creatures…good and bad.

I’m feeling a bit ‘Meh’ today to be honest. I’m getting around to approximately one major task each day.

The rest of the time I’m keeping active. I’m going for my daily run, going for long walks down the beach to take in the fresh air and doing yoga on my living room floor because my yoga mat is occupied with said puzzle (Woodland Creatures Gone Bad are holding it hostage).

I’m also doing the following:

• Cooking
• Cleaning a little (not too much, still trying to train the Woodland Creatures to do that for me…and they suck at it by the way)
• Rambling Blogging
• Working on the stupid puzzle
• Keeping up my personal hygiene (you’re welcome)-I plucked my eyebrows and shaved my legs yesterday, for no good reason other than if I don’t mow the lawn said Woodland Creatures will be taking up shop between my thighs…(although I may have to reconsider my aversion to that scenario depending on how long the Zombie-Apocolypse quarantine lasts, it’s been awhile…)
• Making lists (I love making lists)
• Contemplating doing some of the things on said lists
• Contemplating killing the moth that’s taken up residence in my apartment over the last few months (his name is Frank)
• Being thankful that up until now I haven’t killed Frank (he’s kinda my only company right now)
• Organizing my kitchen cupboards (aka: opening them up, getting confused and closing them)
• Organizing my lingerie drawer and bemoaning the fact I may never wear any of it again if the Zombie-Apocalypse continues indefinitely
• Contemplating buying more lingerie with the Victoria’s Secret gift card I got for my birthday (lingerie stores offer an ‘essential’ service…right?)
• Enjoying a break from doing multiple loads of laundry every day (laundry is my nemesis)

I’m also slowly coming to terms with what I ‘should’ be doing:

• Cleaning more (evicting said Woodland Creatures for bad behavior)
• Starting my 2019 tax return (#refund)
• Actually doing the all the things on my lists instead of one or two things and then re-writing said lists
• Sucking it up and just killing Frank already (he’s eating all my cereal)
• Ordering more lingerie from the Victoria’s Secret website…why not…?Zombies ain’t gonna eat themselves. May as well look good when this all goes down

This is where I was gonna take a quick commercial break and go for my run before the caffeine ran out. And I left you with this bad-boy….you know…for entertainment. He’s a real peach.

---

Ya so here’s Part Two now:

Same day…11:21pm…

Sigh….

Well that was a day.

Worst. Run. Ever.

I was out for my run…a bad run…this broken butt-hamstring connector thingy is really slowing me down. You know it’s bad when your fitness watch isn’t sure if you’re walking or running. So I just figured slow and steady wins the race, especially when zombies are coming after you. Did I mention zombies move incredibly slow?

Upon returning home I decided that my big task for the day was to go through my cupboards. Like really commit to organizing the kitchen. After all it is the Zombie-Apocalypse. I need to make sure I have enough food to tide me over for the single meal plus nibbles I allow myself to eat daily. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m always buzzing on stress or if it’s because giving massages all day really does burn a fuckton of calories…but I’m not feeling overly hungry these days now that I’m not working.

Best to organize the pantry then…as food in the stores seems to be in short supply. Waste not, want not.

I call it the ‘Zombie-Apocalypse’ Food shelter because my best friend in Calgary coined the term for my parents’ basement pantry. My father was a very organized man. Everything had to be just-so. He was a Sagittarius in Virgo man’s clothing. Lists. Everywhere lists. A little OCD. Well a lot OCD. The basement pantry was always stocked. My parents liked Triscuits. It was a lunchtime staple. At all times there had to be a dozen boxes of Triscuits in the pantry. If it got below that number he was out to the store to replenish the depleted supply. I can only imagine how he would be feeling about the present situation right now…with all the Dickheads (hoarders of food…as I recently learned are also called ‘Covidiots’).

So I poured myself a glass of wine and opened the cupboard door…just kidding, I didn’t hydrate with wine…too early. I had a Margarita. I have a Zombie-Apocalypse supply of tequila from various trips to Mexico. Waste not, want not. I had to see how my Zombie-Apocalypse food shelter stacked up to my family’s legacy.

Kitchen Cupboard Inventory 3/26/2020:

1. Five and a half pounds of coffee beans (#priorities). These bags of beans serve different purposes:
   • There’s the ‘Weekday’ Coffee: this is my ‘regular’ coffee. It’s frog-friendly (whatever that means), low acid-so it won’t eat through my stomach lining if I down multiple pots and a nice medium roast…so high in caffeine for that perfect pre-run buzz
   • There’s the ‘Weekend’ Coffee: this is the ‘better’ coffee. It’s the more expensive stuff that I find here and there, purchased from the farmer’s market or somewhere different
   • Then there’s the ‘Really Good Shit’ Coffee: this is the ‘best’ coffee. It’s the stuff I’ve acquired on vacations to Mexico, Hawaii…you know, those places where they grow the really good shit. This stuff is reserved for times where I feel like I really want to sit with the whole pot and just relax. Enjoy it hot instead of taking a few sips, getting distracted by emails or bullshit and forgetting about it. Or, God forbid, if I ever have a gentleman caller who’s not a douchebag…he gets this coffee in the morning (still waiting to see if that ever pans out)
2. One and 1/4 boxes of Kashi Blueberry Bliss cereal that I bought on sale 8 months ago. Frank has eaten 3/4 of the open box. Apparently I don’t eat a lot of cereal.
3. A box of Barbara’s Bakery Raspberry Fig bars (my favorite snack)
4. Organic Ritz-type crackers (I know…shitty white food but whatever, sue me…you eat white shit too)
5. Steel cut oats
6. Hemp hearts
7. Strawberry soy milk (great in smoothies)
8. One and a half boxes of Annie’s Shells and Cheddar (I eat half a box twice a year)
9. Coconut oil
10. Pole and line caught, dolphin friendly tuna x 3 cans
11. Maranatha Organic peanut butter (the absolute best)
12. Eight or nine cans of Wolfgang Puck/Amy’s soups purchased on sale at London Drugs
13. Jam…OMG why do I have so much jam??
14. Two packs of rice cakes
15. Half a bag of wild rice
16. One bag of Volcano Rice
17. One bag of Jade Rice
18. Rice Ramen (wtf was I in Japan or something???)
19. 3 Triscuits (no…not 3 boxes of Triscuits…3 actual crackers…sorry dad…its on my list…well one of them)
20. A fuckton of honey (I’m a type 1 diabetic…sue me…this is emergency sugar)
21. Various bags of nuts, seeds and dried fruits
22. One nasty old box of raisins I should probably throw away but Frank said no…he’s got this
23. One and a half bags of Granola Girl granola
24. Moringa Powder
25. Tea…OMG why so much tea???
26. Oh look…another pound of coffee
27. Flour
28. Three things of vanilla extract from Mexico
29. Chocolate chips (I should make cookies….)
30. Spaghetti, penne, lasagne noodles
31. Olive oil, balsamic vinegar, various spices and types of fleur de sel, kosher salt (what makes salt kosher???) and sea salt
32. Wow…look…another bag of coffee…and its the ‘Really Good Shit’!!
33. Apple cider vinegar
34. Habanero sauce

Interesting…

Wanna know what’s in the fridge? No? Ok…here we go.

Refrigerator Inventory 03/26/2020:

1. White wine (priorities)
2. Cream for my coffee (priorities)
3. Mineral water (Gerolsteiner…none of that Pellegrino shit…I like the big bubbles…size does matter)
4. Cheese (Don’t judge me…I like cheese. You have your addiction issues…I have mine)
   • Balderson extra old white
   • Gouda
   • Havarti
   • Goat feta
   • Soft goat cheese-the fig flavored stuff (for my salads)
   • Blue cheese (for my salads)
   • Parmesan
   • Applewood smoked cheddar
5. 1% milk (boring I know…but I need it occasionally for the ‘once in awhile’ cup of tea I have or the bowl of cereal that Frank allows me to have twice a year)
6. Lettuce, baby greens, spinach, peppers, avocados, avocados, avocados (I like avocados)
7. Leftover salad from last night…a bit soggy but snackable (stop judging me…waste not, want not…food is food FFS)
8. Berries
9. Apples (I love apples)
10. Mayonnaise (an essential for any kitchen)
11. Homemade Kombucha
12. Various condiments in the fridge door
13. One obligatory box of baking soda

Last but not least…the freezer

Ok…I’m too scared to go in. I know I have ice cubes for my margaritas, a loaf of bread, meat products, fish, the cold pack for my broken butt and my frozen homemade soup, chili and lasagne.

I think I’m set.

Oh right…potato chips. Frank says they’re in the junk drawer (AKA: the ‘Man Drawer’)

https://youtu.be/RgUpDGAIdds

And I need to organize this shit don’t I…not just inventory it. This is gonna take forever. But it seems like this Zombie-Apocalypse thing may last awhile.

Tomorrow I’ll inventory my liquor cabinet for you. Or I’ll wax poetic about something poetic. I never did see my new friend again the other day on my run…nor did I get to throw a drink in his face…which cuts me deeply. I was really hoping for that moment of human connection to help me through this difficult time.

Well, there’s always tomorrow.